How to date when... you’re prone to fantasy

Introducing How to date when, a new series from Beth McColl which, full of personal anecdotes and practical advice, is here to help readers navigate the jungle that is the modern dating scene.

Very few of the men I dated in my twenties actually existed.

I’m not saying they weren’t real people – they were. They occupied human bodies, had skin and postcodes, took the bus and drank coffees from Pret. What wasn’t real, however, were the characteristics I would furnish these men with to suit my own romantic agenda. Whole imagined personalities, attributes and intentions in service of the storylines that I was constantly writing and rewriting in my head.

It would go a little something like this: I’d meet someone, usually on an app or via social media. We’d flirt, exchange numbers, go on a date. All the while a crush would be kindling, an outsized attachment growing, and my imagination would begin to kick into overdrive. In this state just about anything could become romantic daydream fuel. A good morning text was a sign that I was all he thought about. A vague comment about doing something together in future meant he was thinking of a long life together. A handful of shared interests was evidence enough that we were truly, truly meant to be.

For a long time, I believed I was just a textbook lover girl, someone who knew exactly what she wanted and was simply visualising it into existence. It took years for me to catch on to what I was really doing and name my behaviours accurately. I wasn’t being a lover girl at all, I was simply anxious and lost and seeking solace in fantasy. I didn’t want a real, grown-up, evolving love, I wanted someone to swoop in and save me.

Dating when you’re prone to fantasy can be a tricky business, especially when the realities of modern dating are so often bleak and uninspiring. Against a backdrop of dry Hinge chats, frequent ghosting and first dates barely worth the cost of your half Guinness, it can feel like self-care to nip off into your own head and dream of a love that is easy, immediate and extraordinary.

“Friends can remind you that a great love doesn’t need to be fraught and over-dramatic but can also be calm and peaceful”

But no great relationships are found that way and though I will defend my fellow dreamers and lovers until my final breath, I will also use that final breath to tell them to snap out of it. Because reality is the only place where you can actually love and be loved. It’s the only place you can create a secret language with another person, the only place you can clumsily unbuckle someone’s belt, the only place where two hands can meet under a pub table and make pure electricity.

To date as a person prone to fantasy requires frequent grounding. If you have one to hand, a sensible friend is ideal for catching you in the act of premature romanticising and bringing you gently back to earth. When you’re dreaming of a life with that gorgeous, alluring person who leaves you on read 89 per cent of the time and only asks to see you in between the hours of 10pm and 3am, there’s a person to interrupt your magical thinking and give you the facts. Or when you’re considering dumping someone who is principled and kind and fascinated by you just because the dynamic isn’t explosive enough, they can remind you that a great love doesn’t need to be fraught and over-dramatic but can also be calm and peaceful.

You’ll need some ground rules for yourself. Hours of daydreaming about one person can narrow your vision until the universe feels like it contains only them. It doesn’t. Learn to pry open your own perspective whenever this happens, spending intentional time with friends and family, time doing what you love, time building up the parts of your life that aren’t connected to your romantic pursuits. Even if a part of you is still thinking about them most of the time, you can make sure the rest of you is enjoying your life and tending to your other loves.

You can also give yourself the gift of time by waiting and seeing. As we know from experience, not every initial spark has what it takes to become a sustained flame, so it’s important to hold your horses and pause, giving every new person time to either meet the challenge and confirm that they’re for you, or not. Set boundaries around how much time you’ll spend together, how often you’ll expect to be in touch, how much of your time should be spent thinking of them and nothing else. If your dating style allows for it, continue to talk to other prospective dates until you’ve learned enough to know it makes sense to close things off. This might seem unromantic at times, but in terms of being sure that we’re falling for a flesh and blood person who exists and not someone who we’ve mostly invented, it matters very much.

By all means hold tight to the part of yourself that dreams. It’s not a character flaw to have a rich inner life and I do believe that fantasies can be incredibly instructive. They can help us sharpen our desires, bring us closer to what matters most, save us again and again from despair and help us draw the roadmap for a bright and brilliant life. But if you want that life then you do have to remain mostly here in the world, here where the real and imperfect people live, here where so many of them are waiting to meet you.