Ranking 2024’s Olympic athletes based strictly on their aura

ANTHONY AMMIRATI, FRANCE

Big Dick Energy is useful for most occasions except for when you want to score a medal at the Olympics pole vault. This is what French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati had to find out the hard way when his bulge literally stopped him from getting a place in the finals last week. Turns out some people are just too well hung to be a world-class pole vaulter? 

In a bizarre twist of fate, Ammirati has been offered the opportunity to transform his loss into a win, with porn site CamSoda offering him $250,000 to make the most of his “talent below the belt”. Stay tuned.

+2,000 aura points

LUANA ALONSO, PARAGUAY

Sometimes a girl just wants to feel hot, which is presumably what happened to Paraguayan swimmer Luana Alonso, who allegedly got kicked out of the Olympic Village for distracting other competitors with her skimpy clothing, aka serving too hard. This was later pointed out to be false information, but that hasn’t stopped the tabloids from whipping up headline-grabbing claims about the 20-year-old and her body (as we’ve already established, sexism is rife at this year’s Games). Whatever you choose to believe, Alonso seems to be living her best life if her socials are anything to go by. She’s also majoring in political science, which is extremely slay.

+1,000 aura points

GIORGIA VILLA, ITALY

Ok this one’s kinda cheesy. Italian gymnast Giorgia Villa went viral after a tweet revealed that she has an endorsement deal with parmesan cheese, which is arguably the most Italian move possible. Take a look at Villa’s IG and you will see over 20 images of the athlete posing in a leotard in between three wheels of parmesan, performing an aerial cartwheel over a wheel of parmesan, and even hugging the parmesan, which she calls her “best friend”. A girl has to make her coin somehow, I suppose.

+50 aura points

KAYLIA NEMOUR, ALGERIA

Scoring the first ever Olympic medal for Africa in gymnastics, Kaylia Nemour originally began her athletic journey representing France, but switched last year to represent Algeria, her father’s nation, after a dispute with French Gymnastics. Nemour’s win is made even sweeter as she’s the first Algerian woman to win an Olympic gold medal for 24 years, which is tres incroyable for her, scoring her excellent aura points from us – and slapping on a few extra for disappointing France.

+ 2,500 aura points

YAZAN AL BAWWAB, PALESTINE

Al-Bawwab, a Saudi-born Palestinian and Italian swimmer, competed for Palestine at this year’s Olympic Games. Despite France not recognising Palestine, Al-Bawwad painted a Palestinian flag on his chest as an act of defiance and to showcase his pride and solidarity with his people.

Although he did not qualify for the semi-finals, his appearance carried a powerful message: “We’re trying to get the world to know that we’re human beings. I can play sports like everybody else,” he told reporters. He is also known for his sports advocacy work in Palestine, advocating for better sports facilities for Palestinian swimmers. Many Palestinians have called Al-Bawwad a beacon of hope amidst the ongoing genocide. 

Infinite aura points.

KIM YEJI, SOUTH KOREA

Exuding flawless main character energy from the moment she fired her first shot, South Korean markswoman Kim Yeji won silver at this week’s games, setting a new world record for the women’s 25m pistol. But it’s the athlete’s impeccably cool and badass demeanour that’s won over the internet. The clip of Yeji staring nonchalantly at her target behind cyborg glasses, hand in casually in her pocket, daughter’s elephant plushie hanging from her side, might have scored her the most aura points I’ve ever witnessed in a single image. Ws all around. 

+5,000 aura points

GABRIEL MEDINA, BRAZIL

Yesterday (July 30), Brazilian surfer Gabriel Medina created the most striking photo from the 2024 Olympics yet. Taken during the third day of the surfing event, held in Tahiti, it shows Medina levitating above the ocean with his surfboard standing upright, directly parallel and six feet to his left. It is a gravity-defying, mind-boggling image (how does such a thing even happen?), but what really makes it great is Medina’s nonchalant demeanour – this is one cool customer we’re dealing with. With one arm raised, he looks like he’s trying to get a waiter’s attention or preparing to make an insightful comment at a Q&A. In another photo, captured seconds later, he soars across the sky like Superman, his surfboard careening in the opposite direction. Most participants at the Olympics are capable of extraordinary feats of athleticism; few manage to look so elegant while doing it.

+5,000 aura points

SIMONE BILES, USA

Simone Biles… the woman that you are!!! Even while injured, Biles led her team to victory on Tuesday, winning her fifth Olympic gold medal in the women’s gymnastics final. This made Biles the most decorated gymnast in history. She now has 38 combined world and Olympic medals. Queen of my heart <3 
 

+ 5,000 aura points

DOAA ELGHOBASHY, EGYPT

Elghobashy, who is a Muslim woman, made history at the Olympics eight years ago when she became the first beach volleyball player to take to the court in long pants, sleeves and a hijab headscarf. Along with a handful of other athletes who wear headscarves, Elgobashy has helped to make the Olympics more accessible and proven that there is no sport in which Muslim women can’t participate. 

Her presence at this year’s event is particularly significant, in light of France’s rampant Islamophobia and long-running efforts to legislate against the rights of Muslim women. Last year, the highest French court upheld a ban against “Burkini” swimwear, much like the uniform in which Elghobashy competed, and France has banned its own athletes from taking part while wearing a hijab. If she wore the same clothes while sunbathing on a beach, she would risk being arrested or forced to remove clothing by gun-wielding police. By refusing to back down in the face of racist controversy and insisting on her right to wear the hijab, Elghobashy is a hero.

+5,000 aura points

HERGIE BACYADAN, PHILIPPINES

Making his first appearance later today, Bacyadan has already accumulated a heavyweight fanbase across social media, with users lusting over his notably stacked appearance, which he’s been flexing through multiple thirst traps on IG. Representing the Philippines in the women’s 75kg division, he could also be the first trans man to win an Olympic medal at this year’s games. True king. 

+3,000 aura points

THE WHOLE SOUTH KOREAN ARCHERY TEAM

You can’t spell girlboss without the ‘South-Korea-women’s-archery-team’. South Korea won their 10th consecutive gold medal in women’s team archery. They have won every gold medal since women’s team archery was introduced at the Olympics in 1988. They are the embodiment of that Kanye West meme (sorry for mentioning him) that goes: “Everybody always asks me what I would do if I didn’t win. I guess we’ll never know” xxx

+3,000 aura points

RAYSSA LEAL, BRAZIL

At only 16 years old, Brazilian skateboarder Rayssa Leal is already the country’s youngest-ever Olympic medallist, winning silver in the Tokyo olympics at just 13 – and amassing 8.4 million Instagram followers and counting. Scoring a bronze earlier this week, Leal has flawless swag, especially given how young she is. In case you need any more evidence, check out that image of her riding on her skateboard, eyes closed, Olympic medals hanging from both arms. 

+2,500 aura points

MATT DAWSON, AUSTRALIA

Rawdogging his sports injury to the wildest extreme, Australian hockey player Matt Dawson broke his finger during training in Perth two weeks ago, and decided to have it amputated instead of waiting for a recovery, which would mean he’d miss the games this year. “If taking the top of my finger was the price I had to pay, that’s what I would do,” Dawson told listeners on Parlez Vous Hockey podcast, backing up his interesting rationale. It might be the most guy-coded martyr move ever and we’re not totally convinced.

-1,000 aura points

SETH RIDER, USA

Rider made headlines yesterday after it was revealed that the professional triathlete was essentially microdosing E. coli so he could swim in the seine. “I just try to increase my E. coli threshold by exposing myself to a bit of E. coli in my day-to-day life,” the athlete told the BBC. 

How does he do that? “Just little things throughout my day, like not washing your hands after you go to the bathroom and stuff like that.” You would have to waterboard me to get this information, and he just casually told the BBC this like it was normal. It’s actually known that men wash their hands less than women after they use the loo, so maybe it’s just normal for him, but we should shame men more for that behaviour! Shame, shame!

- 5,000,000 aura points. Please wash your hands, Mr. Rider! I’m begging you :(